Longing to belong!!

Letting go!!

 
It was my daily routine..those 45 minutes of  5-6 rounds in the park in the evening. Summer days are long..difficult to pass and when you are used to sit inside a big hall, staring at the old pictures...the day is even longer.

Loneliness has no measure. I am consulting doctors and they give it the term depression. But they don't know that I know that my cure is not sleeping pills. My cure is human touch, my cure is friends, my cure is just someone who would make me realise that things would never be the same again.

It is difficult to take the rounds now, it is even more difficult to challenge myself to walk an extra mile. I didn't ever realize that when he was around, I would do things so quickly...the day used to just pass by in taking his care. Alzheimer's was making him hollow like a termite makes a wood. I am using the term hollow because he was an entity residing in the same house with me, but he did not belong to me. I didn't even had an answer to whom he belonged. He wasn't the father to my kids, he wasn't my husband any more. He had just become a patient that I nursed and took care of.

That one hour in the park was my solace from what all I accumulated in the house. When there is no one to speak to, silence is not your friend, it can be the biggest enemy that you can possibly have.

That one hour separation from my enemy was needed, I demanded and craved for it even if someone visited  me at 5:30 PM. I'd make sure I get up and go inside to put in my walking shoes. Yes, that was rude for a lady of high standards, but loneliness has no standards.

At 76, there is no spring season, flowers don't bloom. Darkness friends you and you prefer to unfriend all your belongings.

As I walk, I go back in time...when I first came to Delhi from Kashmir.... I had heard of the capital but getting married in those times was a different ordeal. It wasn't about marrying a package, it was just about faith. All I remember from 50 years of our togetherness was that I coudn't ever lose my faith in him. He forgot me, but I always made myself believe that he was still there, around me. As I walk, I remember the days when raising a family wasn't that big an ordeal. Raising four kids wasn't difficult unlike today when even one coming to life is such a big hassle to handle for parents. In my days, I was contended in living in my niche.

As I walk, I also remember the sacrifices which we made by letting our kids go overseas. The worst part of parenting is letting go..because somewhere in the end..you have to do that.  I know I have been a good parent as I have never demanded anything yet. I want company, but I know I'll never say it, I'd rather be on my own.

I wish to relish the present, but present holds no value in my life. I live in my past. I know it will keep me alive for as many years I am left with to breathe...

Those pictures give me more life than the sleeping pills.